Meditation

Can't really talk, but I just wanted to say that I started reading a book to enhance my psychic mind and it is really really good. It talks about meditation and getting to a deeper psychic level. I began with the exercises last night, and feel I made a very good start, which is exciting. Now, I just need to keep at it. It's very relaxing, which is a plus too. It also talks about pushing negative energies out of your life, because negative attracts negative, and no one wants negativities ruling their life.

Here's a good meditation of the day, I've been using it for the past month, and it works wonders when you fully understand and accept it:

Reflective thought can have as much influence on what happens around you as action can.

Today will be a great day.

An blast from the past...

OK, gotta love this. So I was over my parent's house and I was going through some drawers in my old room and found one of my journals. I started reading it and OMG, it made me laugh and shake my head. It was a COMPLETE blast from the past...It was from about 2002-2004...so it was MEGA action-packed with drama/pain/sorrow/over-dramaticness/etc. Reading now what I wrote then seriously made me chuckle to myself. OMG! I was beyond neurotic!

Yes, at that stage in my life, what was going on WAS the worst of the worst...But now, looking back, it doesn't seem as bad. I know, I know...hindsight. But still, I just never thought I would be able to go on living, and look at me now. I'm still here. And I have succeeded FAR beyond my expectations. Wicked sweet!

Some things still strike a chord. There are some memories that are sore. Some thoughts and reflections that sting, but all-in-all, life turned out better than I ever could have hoped for. I love where I am at now. I love who I am with. I love those friends who are there with me now. I guess everything really does happen for a reason.

A blog reflection

It's funny. I look back over my posts from 2004 and 2005 and my writings sound so different than they do today. Yes, I know things were a lot different then, but it's just amazing the tonality and style of writing I used. Let me try and explain.

I feel as though "way back then," I wrote with more passion, with more feeling, more emotion more ooomph! Now, it's almost like I am simply blogging, adding to my online journal of thought. I'd like to get back to writing the way I used to, but I believe the way I wrote then was influenced by what was happening at the time. In those days, I was sad, upset and confused. I made a mistake, I fessed up to it, yet nothing seemed to rectify like it should have (yes, I know now that things happened the way they did to get me to where I am today, but bare with me...). When I was depressed, I was able to put out that sadness through my words, but now that I am not in that same state of mind anymore, it's almost tough for me to do that.

Anymore, I am not as sad by things that happen in my life, as I am upset by them. Upset for the reason that things/situations that are obvious to me, go unnoticed by others. Acceptance is important to me right now, not by randoms or friends of friends, but by the people that I hold near and dear to my heart, yet who seem to hold me at LEAST at an arms length away. But as the newer of the mantras goes...if it's not enough to bother him, I won't let it bother me. Right? Right.

And there I go again, babbling away in journal form. One day, perhaps I'll get back in the groove of writing the way I loved to, but hopefully without having to go through the turmoil and pain that brought me to that place.

Stupid Me Saturday

I have to admit this, I am absolutely embarrassed by how I conducted myself this weekend. And though I was told to not worry about it, that it's in the past, I need to say how utterly sorry I am for acting the way I did.

Drinking is a fun thing to do at times. Drinking in hella-excess is not. A fine line divides "Fun" Me from "Out of Control" Me, and I am sad, ashamed, and upset to have to admit it, but I skated it for a while, then totally crossed it.

I've sworn off getting as stupid-drunk as I was on Saturday EVER again. (And yes, I've made that a true promise). And not because I was hungover to the point of not leaving the bedroom yesterday, but because I know that the me that was seen wasn't the real me. It was almost like a possession or embodiment of some evil twin who was just insane. The real reason that I am swearing it off is because I made the person I care most about upset, embarrassed and angry. And I refuse to ever do that to him again.

Wow, I feel like this confession stamps me with a big, old "alcoholic" label. But it shouldn't. We all have our fun times, our crazy and our stupid, and I must admit that this was the dumbest I have been in a while. And the dumbest I intend to get EVER again.

So there you have it. Drinking can be a fun time, but if it means I may potentially hurt the person I love the most, then I really don't want any part of it.