Words...weigh more than...

With such a short statement...such a strong feeling was felt...amazing...

(It's those little things that make my heart swell so much)

Straight-Up Bourbon

Life itself has taken another toll. I went out and bought a bottle of Makers Mark. Sipping it straight-up because I don't have the vermuth to make it a true Manhattan or the soda to make it a highball. Whatever, this one's for my g-rents! Keep on truckin'!

Just a thought

I haven't written in about a minute, and decided there's never a time like the present. I don't really have much to say I don't think. Maybe just to reiterate that life is indeed a crazy-whacked out thing. I mean aside from the usual ups and downs, there are the side-t0-sides, the side-steps, sweep-moves, sneak-attacks, all of the above that try to catch you TOTALLY off guard and always do...and then, they make you think.

Thinking is what scares me the most, only because I do so much of it already. I mean, seriously, my brain never stops to begin with, especially when it comes to mulling over stuff, so when it really goes into overdrive, I totally feel like I am gonna lose it.

But I guess as of recently, all has been well. There have been a few times, but not enough to name, where I felt like I could just tweak the f out and all'd be well, but I didn't. It's one of those things where I need to keep my emotions in check (which sucks). Let go of the thoughts and try to move on with forward motion.

Ok, not making much sense now. Off I go.

New Mantra Time

Well, I have been internally brooding for a little while now. Yesterday is when it came to the surface and my entire being began brooding. I know what the issue is...I just need to get over it. I think the addendum to my current mantra shall be "if it's not enough to bother others, I will not let it bother me" (or something to that extent).

I used to be able to internalize, yet live a perfectly "normal" life on the outside. But anymore, not so muchie. I think perhaps it is because my way "out" was to write, and I haven't been doing much of that (actually, none of that). Maybe I will have to pick it up again and see if it works. I don't like being hum-glum. I don't like feeling sad or FREAKING THE F OUT. I do though, because so many thoughts are whirling, I feel like I will never get a break...

So I guess the first step is to stop letting things hit me like they do. If things don't bother someone closest to the source, why should I let them bother me? Right? In the words of my wise Aunt B..."You are awesome, he/she is not". It's that simple. Simple and straight forward. If no one else is affected by what's going on, I sure as hell shouldn't be! (And just as a side note to make me feel better, feeling this strongly about stuff just goes to show that I care a HELL of a lot more than the average Joe about others and their feelings even when the sentiment is not reciprocated. HA! Go me!)

Tryin too hard...

So I was told something this weekend that I already knew, but it was tough to grasp only because of who said it to me...My mom and I were talking and she made a comment that I always, ever since I was a little girl, I always try to please everybody, regardless of how I feel or what I think. And at times, I don't think that's a bad thing, but then the follow-up to what she said did get me..."there comes a time when you need to say enough is enough and do what you truly feel you want to do." I'll admit, I was definitely taken back, because I never connected the dots like that.

I mean, here I am, doing my best to be the best person I can be and pleasing everyone I hold near and dear to my heart...And in essence, I have neglected doing the things or saying the things that I truly want to do or to say. How do I change from that? It really, really, REALLY got to me because I have no idea how the heck to change something like that. All my life, I have been one way, how do I make a 180?

Albeit, not EVERYTHING I do goes against how I feel inside...But I guess there's a good portion. I don't say things, I don't bring stuff up, I try not to make waves where waves need not be made...Maybe I do really try and please everybody...

I don't think I can stop myself from striving to make everyone happy. I don't think I can do something like that. Yeargh. Now I'm just babbling and repeating myself. OK I'm done, more to come (oh yea, another to be continued...)

Swoooooooooooooooosh!

I was talking with a friend about how amazing it is that it's already October and how September just flew right by. He countered that since freshman year of college it seems that life has sped by and I realized he's right. It all seems like a blur!

I remember my daily college routine. Start class at 7:45am, make it through class, take a stroll to front campus, walk up to the BP on Route 59, grab a coffee refill and pack of smokes, then head over to the Hub and sit outside and wait for people I know. Those were the days! Hanging outside at one of the windows, studying, writing, people watching, brooding...I wish I had those days back.

And it's funny to think, a good handful of the people I work with went to Kent...I wonder how many I saw on a daily basis, yet never acknowledged nor was acknowledged in return. Thinking back, I have to smile though. The days on campus, either going to or skipping class were ever so nice. I know I can't change the past, but part of me wishes I would have hung around campus more, maybe met or stayed in contact with the "friends" I had.

It doesn't seem that long ago to me. But it has been. Freshman year in college was almost 10 years ago...Is that possible?! No, it can't be! It feels like I graduated just last year...But that's not true, I graduated 4 years ago. I don't like dating myself like that, but wow, what a blur! I remember how I felt during the years, I remember my attitude, my clothing style, the way I carried myself. I remember what I thought about while on my daily strolls, the inner wars I'd wage against me, myself and I (all three of them). It's just...*sigh* amazing how fast time goes by.

There were many good times, and many, many bad...But I guess we all have to go through it to get to our happy place. Knowing how I feel today, I would never want to change something from the past, for fear of screwing up how that'd affect my future.

I could seriously go on and on about this kind of stuff, but I should stop and get back to work. Hooray, I have a new "to be continued" piece to work on :-)