Be Free!

Sometimes, I just don't get it. Is it me? Is it me being me that makes things get so crazy? Is it the fact that I'm tired of being so understanding? Not speaking my opinion for fear of upsetting or coming across as being over-needy/jealous/girlie? I don't know. It all ends this year though. I know one of my resolutions for 2008 (oh yes, something different than the normal, "every year" one that never gets accomplished). For 2008, I am going to speak my mind more. I never used to have that problem, but then all of a sudden, I lost my voice. I lost the courage of my convictions.

In a conversation, someone mentioned how hard it is to please everyone...Yea, I know that. Believe me, I know that. That's what I do everyday. That's what I do before I make any plans or before I speak out. I try and find the solution that will please everyone. And a lot of the time, the solution I find pleases everyone else...Except me. I'm tired of hiding my thoughts and impressions behind a wall because I don't want to offend someone. I'm tired of hiding what I have to say because I'm not sure if the answer is going to be what I want it to be. I'm going to get back that brazen attitude I had (once upon a time).

Wow, it feels pretty good getting this out there. It's been building for a while, a long while...And finally it comes out. I have set free that which has been caged in my mind...Now, to just give it a voice with which to be heard...

The song that sums it up

"Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go..."

I don't understand...I don't get it...What ever happened to the holidays bringing a sense of ease?It seems like anymore they are action-packed with stress and chaos...Why do I feel so ____...

Feeling lost again...

It's absolutely amazing to me how neurotic I have become over the past few years. What happened to that brazen, outgoing, take-no-prisoner's attitude I used to have?! I work myself up over the silliest little things. I get myself so sick to my stomach, all because, I'm afraid of what the response to a question will be or because I'm worried that maybe I'm asking too much or that I am out of line...What the hell?! I don't get it!

I know I'm a caring person. Maybe too caring? Maybe that's what the issue is. I DON'T KNOW!! I feel as though part of the time I'm walking on eggshells, the other part I'm digesting what the outcome "could" be and then other times my thoughts are trapped in a sea of malted hops and bong resin! YEARGH!! YEARGH I SAY!!

I've been in such a jovial and go-lucky mood for such a good stretch of time, then WHAM...A wall comes up out of nowhere and I'm stuck, feeling trapped in my mind again...All because, I'm worried about voicing an opinion or speaking my mind...Odd...Crazy Sagittarius moon! Why must you impact this crazy Gemini so?!?!

Nothing more than an Update...

Well, again it has been a while since my last post. I can't say that too much has changed. The New Year is rapidly approaching and I'm realizing how far behind on my resolutions I am. It's kinda sad. But it seems that I have never been able to keep resolutions that well. It's like I know I have a whole year to keep them, so I push them off...Then around December 1st it's like OOOOOHHHH Lord, there's no way I'm going to keep them. Que sera.

Hmm what else. Planning an AWESOME New Year's Extravaganza. It's gonna be hella wicked sweet. Just lots of planning and money is going to go into it. But it really is going to be the BASH of the year!!

But yea, nothing majorly new to report on. I think I've been pretty good on keeping my crazy emotions and mental whirling in check. I still have so much on my mind, I could burst. But I've been able to internally diffuse a lot of it, and what I don't or can't, I don't know, I guess I just put it in the mental cauldron and let it brew away.

I still play out a LOT of scenarios, which isn't a good thing, but I keep the "results" of such play-outs at bay (for the most part). I need to work on them a little more though, because they are what make me feel like I'm going to go insane. In due time I guess...In due time...