My Realization: Part Three

I'm not insecure...I'm anti-imperfection!

I am against that which I feel is not perfect. I am against all that I feel is not the object of perfection, that which is what drags me down. The things that I see everyday, the things that I feel make me not so "awesome" are the things that I let get to me. But why do I do that?

I've always prided myself on not caring what other people think...Other people (meaning those which are outside my realm of friends or most cared abouts), I feel, shouldn't affect how I feel about the person I am. But anymore, I let my ideas of what should or should be, make me feel like less of a person.

No, I am not the size I would like to be. No, I don't feel I am the beauty that people say I am. No, I am not content (100%) with the way I want to be, but that's going to take time...But I'm stuck in my quandary...Will I ever achieve that "perfection"? Or am I destined to always yearn and seek the unattainable, and never be able to get it...Because that is what keeps us going...The strive for the unattainable...

My Realization: Part 2

So I've had time to ponder over my present thoughts. I've had time to think over my realizations and my feelings, my frustrations, and my fears, and I realize that they boil down to nothing more than fears and worries that I had earlier in life.

What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I'm not her enough? Me enough? That enough? Enough enough?

What do I worry about? The fear that is in my mind. That's what.

I have a tendency to worry about stuff to the point that it's just downright silly!!! I mean, I get myself sick over stupid things, petty worries that have afflicted me ever since I can't even remember when. I think it's feeling inadequate, like I can never compare to her, or her, or her. But who is her?!

She is the idea of perfection. She is the person I always wished to be. She is the person I always wished to be like. The one who is beautiful. The one who is gorgeous. The one who is able to let things roll off her back. The one who is so carefree and easy going, it's almost crazy.But is she possible? Is she real!

My realization: Part 1

Is it bad when you feel like one of your greatest successes...Is how much of a failure you are?

Kinda sad....

I feel sad tonight, but for reasons that I do not know. I just get that overwhelming sense of *sigh*. Maybe I'm just tired? I do feel pretty beat tonight. I had a good workout yesterday and forced myself to stay awake long enough to watch the end of my show and attempt to talk to Bman. I made it to the end of point #1, but was out shortly after that. I was feeling run-down during the day, so maybe that's it? Maybe I'm just uber tired and uber over-exhausted?

Or am I making excuses for myself? Who knows?! I have a lot of stuff on my mind. There's a lot of "time sensitive" issues that I'm dealing with, and it's tough when I come to grips that I won't be able to accomplish some of them. Other stuff, I guess, is just the typical crap that is on my mind daily. Anymore, I thought I had it pretty much contained and at bay, but maybe it's staging a coup and attempting to overthrow my strength? Crazy freaking coup!