Dreams

I've been dreaming a lot more than normal lately, which is pretty damn crazy, because I typically dream hard-core every night. I don't want to say I wish I could stop, because if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I mean, not like I need anything else to mull over throughout the course of a day, but remembering dreams keeps my mind active and focused, so I don't worry so much about the real stuff that's going on.

The past couple nights have been pretty rough in the dreaming realm. I've been forced to do things I didn't want to do,to see people I didn't want to see, to live through things I don't ever want to live though...I've been having bad memory flashbacks to boot. It's getting quite ridiculous. But what does it all mean?!

I've gone to the dream dictionary. I've interpreted the things I can, and it's amazing yet scary how dead-on-balls accurate the interpretations are. They've said that I am emotionally unbalanced, that I'm thinking too much about things, I need to be more open about issues I'm having, I need to stop holding back when I really want to say something...SPOOKY!!! I mean, come on now!

Who knows anymore. I like to dream. I like remembering dreams. But sometimes, it gets overwhelming trying to pull out the real from the imaginary. It's hard enough doing that in real life situations, let alone in dream related!!! Guess we shall see. I'm interested to see what tonight holds for me...What mass of crap will I have to sort through and dissect in the morning...

The truth...

I worry about today.
I worry about tomorrow...
...that I'm not perfect...
... that I'm not "it"...
... I'm too fat...
...I'm not cool enough...
...I'm not pretty...
...I'm not smart...
...I'm not funny...
...I'm not good enough...
...I'm not being me...

I worry that I'm too outspoken...
...Too not me..
...Too quiet...
...Too loud...
...Too passive...
...Too weird...
...Too ambiguous...
...Too obsessed with the what ifs...
...Too content with the maybe's...
...Too inquisitive ...

I worry about so much, but so much is so "stupid". I worry about things that are unworry'able. I worry about things that are so trivial...I just worry...

Here we go again...

I'm on the toll road of life...And I don't think I have enough to pay what the tollbooth is asking for...

I feel like the hamster wheel of my mind is smoking right now. It's going too fast. I can't seem to slow it down, and I'm ready to just fall and see where I get thrown.

I feel so stressed. I feel like I'm running in circles-- or that I'm in a labyrinth and every turn I make, I wind up at a dead end. I try to climb the walls, but they're too high and too smooth. I can't get a grip, but if I do, I never can make it over the top, and slide back down onto the dirt path...feeling hopeless and lost.

So why the crazy analogies? I wish I could say. I wish I could write out everything that's on my mind right now, but every time I try, the words get stuck at my fingertips, and nothing comes out. Each time I try and open my mouth, the words get lost in my breath...Such is life.

I'm not sad. I'm not upset. I'm just so far lost in thought, I don't know how to get out. There's lots of things that are making this time in my life especially trying. I'm attempting not to dwell on the things I cannot change, the things I have no control over, but I don't think I know how to do that. If I'm thinking about "stuff", those thoughts run rampant and overtake all sense of reason with me...Argh I say. ARGH!!!

An Ode to a Conversation

There comes a time. A breaking point. A final straw. There comes a moment in everyone's life where they feel they cannot go on from where they are at. This may come as a complete shock to some, and a welcomed addition to others. This may be a total surprise or a long-awaited release, but however it comes, it comes with a reason and a purpose.

After a discussion with someone nearest and dearest to my heart, I felt a great sense in urgency in writing this. Life is not a privilege, it is a blessing.

Many times, everyday, we take things for granted. Things as simple as having a door held open for us. As simple as someone picking up a pen we dropped. As simple as smile on a brief fly-by, by a total stranger. It is these things that can, at times, amount to the most special feelings we feel.

We, as humans, don't necessarily say thank you for all the things others do for us. They are taken for granted, written off as an expense, that the person performing such acts is "required" to do. Things that we have become so accustomed to, that they get filed away with the typical mental- and emotional-paperwork that we deal with on a day-to-day basis, but they are really so much more. We make take the things that someone does as "just the way they are," as "just the thing they usually do..." But they are not, they are so much more.

So I implore you, any of you who read this blog, be you one or a million, say thank you once in a while. The simple little things that are done by another, bring them to a brilliant and gorgeous light! Like a sunrise after an eclipse, don't let anything fade! Don't let the little things go unnoticed, because it's the add-up, the total sum of the little things, that amount to the biggest and greatest feeling(s) that you feel.