Mi Cristobo...

Eres mi vida
y mi corazon
y mi alma.
En tus ojos, yo veo mi vida
mi futura.
En tu sonrisa, yo me siento mi felicidad.
En su risa, yo me siento mi alegría.
Son usted quien me completa,
que hago mí, me siento verdadero.
Es el pensó de usted,
eso me hace sonrío por la mañana,
y antes yo duermo.
Y es usted, quien que me hace caí vivo,
como una persona verdadera,
más que cualquiera más.
Te quiero, hasta el fin de tiempo,
hasta la eternidad. ..and más allá.
Usted es mi todo, usted mi hunny,
te quiero más que nada
Te amo, te amo mas que algo,
Mi Cristobo...

To Bleed...

Life's been crashing down on me pretty hard the past couple weeks. It's hard to explain what's going on. It's hard to specify what it is that is getting to me. The most I can say is that it's a culmination of things, things that are so far out of my control, it's almost silly to be upset by them at all...Unfortunately, I still am.

For some reason strange reason, I think I get this way every year. Same time, same things, same issues, but every year, they get harder and harder to deal with. I wish I could vent out everything that is bothering me. I wish I could scream away all the pain, the confusion, the uncertainty, but I can't. It's "put on a happy face time" and wait for it all to settle back down, wait for the cap to go back on the bottle, and pretty much just wait for it all to get back to "normal".

However, even in this time of ambiguity and senseless rambles that could drone on for hours, I can pinpoint something that is bothering me...It is so hard to please everyone! I know, I know, it's not possible to make everyone happy, but I don't buy that! For me, I feel that there is a way to make everyone happy, it's just wicked-hard and beyond a headache to do sometimes. I believe the attempts at doing that are what has caught up to me and has been dragging me back down.

I try and I try, so hard, to make everyone happy. I want to please everyone! I am so tired of being this massive failure/screw-up/whatever-you-wanna-call it! People tell me I am not, but it's hard to accept that when I feel, deep down, that I am. Maybe I am not though? Maybe I am just me being me; being the worst and most brutal critic I can be...But then why don't I change? If I am this huge f-up, and I know it, why don't I take the steps to get better and move beyond it...? I Don't Know! I wish I did! I wish I could just take all my "failures" and use them to make myself better and stronger! Go against the current and make me into the person whom I should be, not the person I have become. Does that make sense?

I don't know. What I do know is that whatever I have written in the above paragraphs is just senseless babblement, meant to do nothing more than to take a little bit of pressure off my mind. Let's hope it works. My eyes haven't been the color they should be. They have been that brownish color, the color of contemplation and "mental constipation" as I say. Maybe soon, they will get back that twinkle and sparkle. Maybe soon I will be able to purge myself of the deep and painstakingly brutal thoughts on nothing, thoughts on everything.

To bleed...No matter how small...Just to bleed...

A lost treasure

I found something today, something I almost forgot I had. It was a book my friend Katy made me in high school. She put pictures of us, of me, of our old crew (The Outsiders) and had people sign messages in it as well. Reading through them, I couldn't help but smile. I guess all high school memories aren't as shitty as I tend to reflect upon.

The one line that pretty much everyone had in their little blurb to me was "never stop being yourself". It's kind of funny, because most of them went on to say how they love the way I tell it like it is and I'm not afraid to be myself. When looking back, and comparing myself to who I was then, I wonder, am I really myself now? Or was I really myself then? Or are they two in the same being?

I know how bleak and gloomy my outlook on life was in high school. Luckily, the physical scars have been reduced to nothing more than little pricks that barely anyone can see (unless they actually pay attention, then they seem to be mighty obvious--at least to me). I'm glad these didn't last, because if they did, I think they would be a brutally evident and screaming reminder of the shit that I felt then. As time wore on, though I embraced (and still do) the morbose, vile, and devilish things, I matured in the sense that I wasn't a poser-Goth chic, I was always the true me.

Sometimes I think I am stranger than normal when I don't feel pain. Sometimes I feel like I am not the true me when I actually see sunshine and billowy clouds. Sometimes I wonder if I am just not meant to fit into any clique or group, but luckily, I don't really care. I know I let it get to me when I don't fit in with the "girlfriend/wives" or the girls at work, or even with people that I work with on a day-to-day basis, but oh well. I am my person, and my own being, and some days it's easier to accept that than others. But as I always say, all you have to do is keep floating through life...just keep floating in the ether...and you'll make it somewhere, if nowhere else, at least in your mind...

My Realm

And in each breath...
A thousand thoughts
A thousand whispers of secrets I wish
to bring to life.
Everyday, a new beginning,
a new vision and view I could only
pray to be real.
My laughter is my happiness,
my giggle is my joy,
I sigh sighs of excitement and contentment.
Nothing more than nothing,
everything more than everything,
in each exhale of release.

The wind kisses my cheeks,
the moon beams upon my smile,
and I cannot do more than embrace the darkness
that is breathed upon me.

Though in common words, darkness is but an evil,
a shadow cast upon an enlightened being...
But to me it is not.
darkness is smiled upon me, illuminating my path,
and shadowing that scorching glow
of normalcy, of prediction,
of the things that only those of superficial conceit
and obsession,
know how to love.

I taste the wisps of the winter moon,
as it enraptures my soul,
and caresses my being.

I openly embrace the future, and
the secrets it holds.

I embody the spirit, the soul of tomorrow,
as it beckons upon my will to continue on.

And in tomorrow I find my happiness,
and in today I find my purpose,
and in yesterday, I see the beauty,
the beauty of which I overlooked at the time.

So unto the night I say, blessed be, oh night of nights,
sweet dreams that come, I pray thee good tidings,
and into the morrow, I kiss my good will
for tis' that which will guide me,
into the land, of dreams come true...

First of '07

My first post of the new year...

Hello all. Welcome to On the Cliff's Edge, 2007. Hmmm, where do I go from here?

2006 was a wonderful year, and I can only imagine what 2007 will hold.

I'd like to start this blog with a quote (I altered it a little bit)..."Nobody said that life was a bouquet of two-dozen red roses, they just said that maybe it would be nice if it were. But let's be honest: Sometimes it's daisies, sometimes it's marigolds, sometimes it's a thorn bush that stings for hours and hours after you've touched it. Sometimes it's nettles and sometimes it's narcissus. So go out into that great big garden of feelings and gather your rosebuds (and whatever else you find) while ye may...

Over the past year, many things have happened that have shaped who I am today. Not only have my friendships strengthened and grew. Not only have I found my true love. Not only have I (more than before) accepted the person who I truly I am...But I have also accepted that things really do happen for a reason.

I love my Christopher, more than he will ever know. He is not only my boyfriend, but my best friend and confidant. The person that brings a smile to my face with every mention of his name, and just by the sound of his voice as well.

To my Yo, my best friend and brother. The person, who like my journal, knows everything I think and feel...

I really don't know what I want to say in this first blog of '07. But I wanted to send a shout out to my favorite men, my best men, my always and forevers. I love you both, and you mean everything to me.