Stress leads to illness...A true story

Well, I was told to calm down, chill out, stress less, and did I listen? No. Did I try? Most definitely, but I guess I didn't try hard enough. I legitimately got sick from over-stressing, and let me tell you, it SUCKS!!! It is the worst feeling. I feel totally disgusting and yucky. It seems like a vicious cycle though, because I got shingles from over-stressing, so I attempt to calm down, but seeing the evil adult version of the chicken pox on my body gets me stressed again because I feel like I look nasty. ARGH!

I think another issue that I battle with on a day-to-day basis is the fact that when I care deeply about an issue, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for me not to stress or dwell on it. I can't help it that when I feel confused or upset I let it get the best of me, because on the average, that which confuses me and leads to me becoming upset is something that I really truly care about or have a passion for. I can't just blow certain things off or "take it with a grain of salt," because when people do that to me, I feel like that don't care. If someone seems strange or odd or sad to me, my mind starts spinning with what I can do to make it better. That, or it starts spinning with thoughts pondering if I did something that may have caused the person to act that way.

I really thought that for the past week, I was doing really good with my "new and improved" outlook of life. I try not to let the things that can't be changed immediately wear me down. I try not to over-think and over-analyze EVERYTHING and ANYTHING (that's one of the hardest things not do by the way). But there are things that I don't know how to put into words, so I can't ask for assistance in understanding. There are things that I question, but I don't necessarily want an answer to them. Such is my life I guess. I feel like I'm drowning in waves of thought, I struggle to keep my head above the water, but an undercurrent keeps dragging me under.

Why birthdays are so important to me...

Today is my brother's 25th birthday, so let me start out by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY YO!!!

Ok, so I was talking with a friend today and they asked me why I make such a big deal out of birthdays. "Why are you stressing so bad over this, it's just a birthday," or "I don't understand why you feel you have to do so much all weekend long, it's just one day." Yes, it is just ONE day but it's one of the most important days in every persons life.

The reason I make such a big deal out of birthdays is because I know what it's like when no one remembers. As much of a "non-issue" that I would like to consider it, it really did hit me hard. I always prided myself on my strength, the "hard-ass" persona I liked to embody, and the fact that I rarely let my guard down long enough to get hurt, but no one remembering or acknowledging me that one day, kicked all those feelings out the window. Never before had I felt so deserted, so unknown, so alone, until the day, MY day, that no one seemed to care. I don't dwell on it like I used to, but it still stings to recall the memory, and that pain is what makes me strive to never let any of my friends go through what I did.

So that is the answer. That is why I make such a big production out of birthdays. I don't EVER want anyone to feel the way I did. I don't EVER want anyone to feel as unwanted and unloved as I did. Yes, it may sound over dramatic, but put yourself in my shoes...Think of it being your birthday and none of your friends, the few you had at that point of life, cared...Then you will see. Then, you just might understand why I refuse to let history repeat itself.

Time to Start

It sucks when there's so much I want to say, but no words seem to come to mind. Each time I open this page and prepare to write, everything floods out of my mind and I'm left with nothing. So I figure, might as well write about what's not there in an attempt to get to what is...

I've decided that there are some MASSIVE changes happening to me at this stage of my life. I turn 25, the big Quarter of a Century, in a little over 2 weeks, and I am no where NEAR where I expected to be at this point of my life. I can't say that it's all bad. I realize now that I would have made some of the BIGGEST mistakes had I kept on the path that I was going. I realize that the only way to find out who I truly was, was to stop being who I really wasn't. That had to have been the biggest shock to my system, when I stopped living for everyone else and their dreams and started living for myself. In the process, I was shunned by all my "friends," but luckily, the true friends remained and my strength grew. I know it may seem like I'm beating a dead horse on that issue, but there's so much more to it than mere words can explain.

I'd have to say I am genuinely happy right now. I'm not ecstatic with myself (by any means), but in the same respect, I never have been. I could always be thinner, prettier, smarter, "funner", but I think that's more of a personal issue. I feel like I have grown into the person I was meant to become...But I haven't achieved the feeling of accomplishment or acceptance yet. In due time, I think that feeling will come, but until then, I guess I'm stuck with the weird "I'm not me" issues.

Aside from the normal bullshit, I can't complain about too much. Everything that I could bitch about could be easily resolved if I just stuck to a plan or goal. Maybe I like having issues because I am not used to not having them? Not to say that's a reason or an excuse, but it could be. I'm just so used to having some major, dramatic issue going on, I don't know what I would do without one. I think that's the foundation my newest quest will begin on. I think instead of relying on the negative or bad to get me through my day or push more towards tomorrow, I will try to make the negative positive, and the bad good, and then see what I'm left with. I say I don't understand the people who are happy all the time and only see the sunny side of life, but I guess that's just because I've never lived that way...Well, maybe it's time for me to start.

(And I had NO idea this is where I'd end up, but oh well...)