Within...

Staring into my reflection
I wonder what you see
staring at the reflection that is
staring back at me...

My heart aches
a blissful seizure of thought and mind
a deep churning of emotion and feeling
that I never thought possible again.

My mind roams
traveling down a road of meaningless words
for no such words can contain that which I mean to say.
For no such words can amount to that
which I mean to show.

I ponder, what is it that makes my thoughts so poisoned?

I yearn for the power to give life to that
which I wish to convey.
I beg for the strength to say that
which I mean to say.
But in my mind, nothing can truthfully proclaim
that which I wish to show.

And I stumble,
blissfully ignorant to what is near me,
what I hope is around me
what I think is around me.
to what I feel is around me...

My mind hiccups
my heart breathes
my soul tastes
that which I pleaded with God to believe...

And I'm left to ask...
Staring into my reflection
I wonder what you see
staring into the reflection that is
staring back at me

The Move Aiding in Realization

Well, a week and a half and the move will be here. I'm very excited, but very nervous in the same bit.

Deer Run will be apartment number 4. Year number 5 being a "grown-up". Year number 5 living with my best friend and brother. We've known each other 4/5 of our lives...We'll have lived together for 1/5 of our lives...How cool is that?! I'm so happy that I get to move with my Yo yet again!

I'm not so nervous about the move itself, but moreover, what the move will entail. I mean, this is the first apartment out of Portage County, out of Streetsboro. I'm returning to my second hometown. The city of NOTHING to do! But it will be nice. To be a mile from my parents, a little over a mile from my brother and nephews, from a close friend and a family I baby sit for. It's exciting but so scary. This is a BIG step in the grown-up direction. Being closer to work is also a plus.

I think the hardest part of the move, though inevitable on any count, is the fact of how many things may change. It's going to be weird not being "conveniently located" to some people. I've never been in a "normal" relationship before, so I really don't know how to act, how to feel. I'm used to a different reality, a reality that I found out is nothing more than a figment of my imagination. Yes, it's a massive shock to the system...But I LOVE it! It's just scary not knowing what to expect. But I must say, everything that's happening gives me a feeling that I wouldn't trade for the world. It's something that I never thought possible again, and I must say, it's made me realize that I'm a lot more human than I give myself credit for. I feel real...And it's amazing.

Overwhelming Thoughts

I feel so painfully numb right now. Not numb as in the inability to feel, but numb as in the tingling, frozen-burning feeling when I have too much to mull over. I'm at one of those lovely points (again) where I feel like I am observing my life through third person, yet all thoughts are being processed through first, and nothing is making sense. I'm trying to prioritize everything that I want or that is happening, but it seems like the more I try, the deeper I get and the farther away from a solution I become.

Anymore, it seems that the harder I try at something, the less effective it is. The more I want something, the harder it is to get. Shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldn't it be, in a sense, "easier" to achieve the goals I'm looking to achieve or attain the things I am looking to attain?! It really boggles the mind I tell you. It's like running on a wheel, the faster you go, the faster it spins, but when you begin to slow down, the wheel is still whirring, and it's hard not to trip. Did that make sense?

Maybe once this month is over? Once the move is done? Once I start seeing the changes I am looking to see? Once I get more adjusted? Once there is more assurance? Who knows. I think there is just so much stuff happening right now, it's beginning to overwhelm me...Even the deepest breaths feel like the shortest puffs of air...