Lessons I Learned in 2005

***These are not in any specific order***

I learned and know that when I love, I love truly and deeply, no matter what happens or what occurs. If you truly love someone, you never stop. Love is undying and never conditional.

I learned that when you have real friends, you would do anything in your power to help them and vice versa. Nothing is ever expected from them and they are always there, especially when you need them the most. Friendship is another form of love, and like all love, it is not conditional.

I learned that life is too short to keep saying I'll catch you tomorrow...tomorrow...tomorrow.

I learned that life is too unpredictable to be able to definitively say that there will be a tomorrow.

I learned that the hardest thing to accept is that a mistake in the past is just that... In the past. It cannot be changed and the only way to get over it is to get through the troubled waters it brought.

I learned that no matter how much you try and forget something or someone, if they're important enough, your mind won't let it happen.

I learned that every story doesn't have an ending, and every rhyme doesn't necessarily have a reason.

I learned that locking the door to the past is pointless...Unless you can whole-heartedly throw away the key. If you can, it wasn't important enough to think back upon. If you can't, it just goes to show that you're letting the good times out rule the bad.

I learned that no matter how high you reach, you can always reach higher.

I learned that sitting around a campfire, and talking about everything and nothing, is the best therapy an overactive mind can get.

I learned that even if there's the slightest chance or possibility for something to happen, it's nearly impossible to let that something go.

I learned that true friends never go away forever, they'll step away long enough for you to find yourself but step back in and help you up if you stumble and feel you can't .

I'd say that 2005 had to be one of the hardest years (along with 2004) that I have ever had. But I learned many things and made a lot more progress in the recovery process than I thought I would. We shall see what 2006 entails, and see how many new things I learn and how much more progress I make...They say that life isn't easy...But not easy compared to what? You cannot fear walking off the edge of a cliff, because who's to say you won't be able to fly...

Christmas 2005

Christmas has come and gone again this year. The family came over. The kids ran around like wild children. The hours worth of wrapping was undone with a frenzy of hands, in mere seconds. Memories flooded back like the Hoover Dam gave way...And I am left here pondering...Why?

My mom and I conversed about the holidays, and how I used to look forward to them and not so much anymore..But the question she posed to me was "why?". I mean, what is it that shut me down from the whole joyous feeling? Yes, family was always an issue around the holidays, but when's it not? It's family!!! But I guess her greatest argument was that I had a lot more good times rather than bad times, so why let it get me down this much? I wish I had an answer, not only for her, but for myself as well.

It's hard to think back and realize that I met Bill, my other "daddy" 4 years ago today. It hurts to think back that 4 years ago I felt my life was headed in a completely blissful direction...And we get to now and it's nowhere NEAR where I planned it to be...But why let the bad things control how I feel? I wish I knew! I mean, I have my health, a beautiful apartment, a set of friends who have stuck with me through it all, and a job that I LOVE...So why do I let the little things hurt me so much?

God, round and round I go with these blogs. This one has to be the alcohol...That's my main thought process on it and that which caused me to write at all tonight. I guess it all comes down to the end of 2005. This year's end will either make or break my determination towards the goals I'm kinda shaky with, and let me become a stronger person regardless. Merry Grinchmas Y'all!!!

End of the Year...

2005 is quickly coming to a close, and I really don't know how to feel about it. The past two years have collectively been the hardest and worst years of my life. Not every aspect of them was bad, mind you, but the events that occurred will leave a permanent scar. Not only did I lose the love of my life, most of my "friends" and two very important figures (sadly the loss of these figures is eternal), but I also lost a piece of myself. With everything that had happened, I lost the part of me that was responsible for the feelings and appreciation of not just self-worth, but self-being. Luckily, as I pick up the pieces from a shattered life and dream (using this phrase to sound over dramatic) I am able to think of all the great things.

I've decided, though I barely ever heed my own advice, to not cry because it's over, but to smile because it happened. It's too easy to focus on the hardships and the things that are wrong with your life, and to completely overlook the good that's there. Even though in my mind, I lost it all, I really haven't. I have my health, wonderful parents and family, the best friends a girl could ever imagine, and also knowledge gained from everything that occurred. I know some things that I never could have known or realized, had I not gone through what I did---they'll be in an upcoming blog.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think and hope 2006 is a better year than the past couple. I think it will be, because the life I was leading had crashed and burned, but I rose up from those ashes. I am new person, same on the inside that I've always been, but a new person with a new outlook on life. There's 16 days until the end of 2005, and with the closing of this year, I hope to leave behind all the pain and sorrow that has plagued me for so long. 2006 is a new year, filled with new experiences and endless possibilities, and I am welcoming it with open arms.

The Mind

Do you believe in the power of osmosis? Do you believe in the idea of osmosis? I have always believed that there is some sort of eerie power behind it. I believe that everyone possesses some kind of ESP, some kind of mental telepathy, that can be tapped into, be it consciously or subconsciously. The trick about figuring it out and working with it, is just that, figuring it out and working with it.

The reason I question it at the moment is that things have been happening to me lately, and though they could probably be written off as a co-inky dink and as coincidence, I don't think they are. I mean, why do things happen the way they do? Is it because they were meant to happen that way? Is it because they just happened for no reason rather than just happening? But if that's the case, they happened for the reason of just happening, and there is a reason behind it. I really don't know. In my mind, everything happens for a certain reason, and the only way to understand that reason is to understand the underlying reason behind it. Maybe I'm just spewing out "philosophical bullshit"...As one person so kindly referred to my manner of speaking and way with words... But maybe not. I think not.

The world is filled with endless possibilities, and there is never a full ending, but always a new beginning. No matter what. A door may be closed, but there's always a way to get in. Whether you climb in through a window, or break in a different door, there's always a way. Things that may seem over, over and done with, are never like that. Thoughts and memories will let a piece of those things live on as long as we do. You can try to wash it all away with liquor, cry it all away with tears, scream it all away with words, or push it all away with excuses, but something about that "thing" you're trying to forget will live on in your mind forever. And that's the beauty of the mind, it never stops working, especially when it knows more than it leads you on to believe you do.