Ways of my Mind

Well, it's been a while since my last post, and I figured I should probably try to write something.

I have decided that my mind has taken a strange turn from the way it was into something new. On the average, when I was sad or happy or upset, I would typically write. I would write a poem or verse or story, something along the lines of an idea or feeling, lived out through pen on paper, and by the end, it would usually be done and I would feel better. Lately, I have realized that my drive to write this "fictional reality" has gone away. Now, when I write, I actually write the strangeness and feelings that I feel inside. It's not like I'm trying to express myself through a story anymore, it's like I am actually trying to convey the things I honestly think about. I don't know if that made sense, but it did to me.

I miss writing poetry or short stories, but when I look back, I feel like it was my way of trying to fictionalize the reality of things that were happening to me, and in doing so, I made myself semi-believe that what was happening in my life could be controlled by the way my pen stroked the paper beneath it. I felt that there may have been a way to control the outcome of a situation if I wrote it down and followed it out quicker than it was happening. That, or maybe I wanted to give it an ending that I know wouldn't happen in "real" life, because then I wouldn't have to necessarily wonder "what if". Maybe I wanted to give it the ending that would happen in "real life" because then I could attempt to prepare myself for the things which may have been inevitable when they did occur. Maybe it's my way of coping with things that seem totally and utterly out of control...I really don't know.

I know that my writing style and way of thinking has changed over the past couple months. It's scary to think they they may have changed in a deeper way. I'm thinking more abstract and darker thoughts than before. Not darker in the sense of evil (well maybe a little bit) but darker into the more ambiguous and unknown aspects of life. And in doing so, my mind is overdriving itself in ways that I can more easily handle. Instead of my mind running rampant on the things that actually surround me on a day to day basis, it's going to town on the things that just make ya go "hmmm", the things that others never think of because they are afraid to step out of the box...But most importantly, the things that no one wants to think of, because they're afraid of what will happen when they do...

Sweetest Day is Stupid

You see the cards for sale. Lovey-dovey teddy bears and a mass amount of red and pink flowers all at a 50% price increase...and for what? A way to prove to someone how much they mean to you? A way to show your love for them? Why must such a day be around? Why shouldn't everyday be a sweetest day when there's someone out there that you love? I mean, I'm not saying shower the other person with gifts everyday that ends in a "y", I just mean that gifts, flowers, cards (whatever) should be given because you feel like it. Because you want to, not because you have to due to a Hallmark holiday which exists in 2 states!

It seems like love has become de-sensitized. Whatever happened to just calling to say "hey" or "I'm thinking about you" or "I love you"? Why does it seem like there needs to be material proof that someone cares about you. I know that everyone likes getting presents. Every girl likes getting flowers or a cute stuffed animal, but it shouldn't be a requirement when in a relationship. Do it because you want to, not because you're obligated to.

I've never really liked Sweetest Day or Valentine's Day. Even when I was with someone, even when my heart burned with passion for another, those 2 "holidays" seemed so stupid. Yes, it was great getting all gussied up and going out, but why was it supposed to be so much more special on one of those days? Why was it supposed to mean so much more to stay in and cook dinner and watch a movie on V-day than it would on just another day?

My proposal...choose your own sweetest day. Choose one day, two days, however many days you want out of a month and make them your own personal holidays! Why give in to the holidays that are marked on a calendar? Make your own! If you're with someone, show them that every special day with them is like a holiday for you. You don't have to buy expensive gifts or even go way out of your normal routine...But let them know how special they are to you. You never know when the last time you may get to say "I love you and am thinking about you" will be.

A new day

Here I am! A whole new outlook, a whole new day, a whole new me...otay, not so much, but oh well. I am here and I'm kickin' and screamin' through life like I usually do. :-D

So this weekend was a rough one. Lots of emotions running through my mind and body, but I made it. I did it! Thanks to my mom and Chris (not to mention my papa), I made it out alive. It's a crazy thing I tell you, absolutely crazy. I really don't even know what to say.

I'd like to believe I have a whole new outlook on life. I have a new goal, and that is to just be happy, but not depend on past memories and thoughts to get me through it. Everyday will be a new day, and every day I get one step closer to attaining that which I want the most. If the past somehow comes back into play, it's all fair game. From here on out though, I will make the utmost attempt to not dwell upon the things I cannot change. The things that happened, happened. They happened for a reason.

I cannot guarantee that I will not write about things from the past. I cannot guarantee that I wont dwell a bit when my mind feels like, but I can say that I will do my best to continue moving forward, instead of constantly roaming back

October 7, 2005

I woke up. I went shopping. I ate. I drank. I went to a wake. What was meant to be... was just another day.

Shorty--Mind blank

All I want to do is write! I want to cry out an ocean of words and let myself drown in them. But I can't seem to find the words I want to say. So many thoughts, so many emotions keep sweeping over me, and I don't know why I can't feel them! It's like my body has gone into an emotional coma. I feel so numb. I long for the rain. I long for the sweet-stinging drops to hit my face and saturate my soul. I walk in the rain, so no one sees me crying...

To all the Critics

I appreciate the comments (both good and bad) people leave about my blog, but please don't turn it into some kind of message board. If you want to have a word war, BALLS UP and leave your name or email addy, allowing readers (and myself if need be) to get in touch. Aside from that, thanks for the support and I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts!