In Memory of Bill---Happy Birthday Daddy!

It's so strange you not being here. Not being able to call just to say hi, call to say I love you, call to say I miss you and let's do dinner sometime. It's such a strange, cruel, yet wonderous world out there, and one of the hardest things to realize is that you are no longer a part of this amazing place. You are now the whisper in the wind that makes me perk up and smile. You are that one snowflake that lands perfectly on my cheek, and instead of chilling me, makes me feel warm. You are the added ray of light in the morning sunrise, and the beautiful haze that enraptures the sunset.
Happy Birthday to you, Bill. To someone I thought of as a daddy. You not only showed me that there was nothing to fear in the unknown, but that the uknown is the most interesting thing you can stumble into. You taught me that being human isn't as bad of a thing as most make it out to be. We all make mistakes, we all mess up sometimes, but it was YOU that showed me that I need to accept what happens throughout life, and continue onward.
The last conversation we had, you told me to hang in there. Did you know it was your time? Did you know that that conversation we had on a Monday, while I was on lunch, was going to be the last verbal experience we were ever going to have again? You come to me in dreams, and tell me the answers that I so desperately search for. You laugh and we talk, until all odd hours of the morning, and when it's time to wake up, you say "Love you baby" and then fade away into the night. I pray that you don't stop visiting me.
I still haven't accepted what happened yet. I still feel as though you are just a phone call away. Your sons are a huge part of my life, though we may not talk much (at all). You made me believe that anything is possible, and in time, everything will work itself out.
I don't know what else I can say. I miss you Daddy, I miss you so much it hurts, but I know that when I close my eyes, I will see you again. I know that each day, when the sun rises and sets, you are there watching over me, watching over everyone that needs you. Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me, reguardless of the situation or the hour. I love you daddy, Happy Birthday!

Writing just to write

Well, it's been a while, so I figured it was time to write again. Aside from the usual BS that comes with life, I am doing very well. I can honestly say that I am happy. I am legitimately happy! It's an amazing feeling! I am just so content with how 90% of my life is going, I have no major complaints! It really is cool!
A hard thing that I am going through is the entire missing Bill feeling that I have. His birthday is Sunday, and it's really hard because I know I can't call him and tell him! It's hard because I have flashbacks to conversations we had or to times we spent together. There was talk of a "memorial" night for him, but that was being planned around the time of his death. If it's still going to happen, I hope to be invited, but I am doubting it. He meant so much to me. We could talk about anything, and it sucks when I realize that I can talk all I want to him, but I won't hear an answer back.
I dunno, I just wanted to write for the sake of writing, and now I am going to go back to doing something else.

I want Sleep!

For the love of God, I just want to have a full night's rest! I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of my dreams being the cause of my suffering! This blows! I fall asleep, have a dream, wake up, analyze the dream until I fall back to sleep, and then the process repeats itself. The hours I get are so broken up, it feels as though I don't sleep at all.
And then it feels like I am slowly being covered by a blanket of insanity. The ideas of fiction and reality spin together and, at times, I feel as though I cannot tell the difference between the two. Is this really the way my life is? Am I really the person I see in the mirror? Or is my reflection the real me and I am living my life through a mirror that shows the opposite-reality and space that I am occupying? I just don't know. I feel like I hate everything and that happiness is easily defined in the dictionary, but not easily found in life. BLAH!
Maybe today is just a good day to bitch. It's a good day to just BLAH everything! If I didn't have to work, I wouldn't leave the confines of my room. I would lay under the covers and wait for the day to be over, in hopes that tomorrow will be a little easier. So yeah, I dunno. I get lost in thought, and the unfamiliar territory is freaky!

Valentine's Day SUCKS!

I hate Valentine's Day. I really do. What the big deal with it? I mean, why should one day be any different than any other day in the year. Why should one day be created to show someone how much they mean to you? I mean COME ON! Shouldn't you show the person (or people) you care about the most how much they mean to you everyday? Why should one day be taken out of 365 and turned into a lovey-dovey holiday? I don't get it!
Congratulations to the card, candy, and sex companies that totally bank off this BS holiday! I mean, hell, if I were rackin' in the dough all because stupid Americans like to throw around the "L" word and buy their sweeties lots of crap to prove how much they mean to each other, I would love the holiday! But I wouldn't want to make money off something stupid like this.
Don't get me wrong, I had two EXCELLENT Valentine's Days in the course of my 23 years of life, but those days are over! They were just another day! Yes, it was so "meaningful" and "special" because the cooking of dinners and the presentation of gifts was on a commercially labeled gift-giving day, but had it been any other day, it would have been just as special to me, maybe even more! I don't understand why people get all up in arms about celebrating this day! I loved everyday I spent with that special someone, and when February 14th rolls around each year, yes, I do remember how happy I was. But then I think about it, and that happiness for the day doesn't even compare to the happiness I felt knowing that my someone was my everything.
If you love someone so much, show them everyday how much they mean to you! Don't wait for one freakin day out of the year to let them know it! Show and tell them everyday! Throw caution to the wind and just let them know how you feel! Maybe I will take my own advice, we shall see what happens...

Creepy Dream Sequence

BLAH! This no sleep thing is starting to get to me. At first, I thought the constant dreaming was going to slowly lead me down the path to insanity, but something new has entered into my mental realm. What's happening now is that my mind is being plagued by memories, and the reason I know they are not dreams is because I am fully conscious and aware of what is going on. It's like my mind takes over everything and if I am laying in my own bed (persay) I will feel as if I am eslewhere. The sounds, the scents, the feel, I know I am in my room but my mind makes me believe that I am somewhere else.
It's really creepy when I sit up and I know if I look to my right I will see all my albums and to my left, my alarm clock and night stand. But when I try to focus myself and try to find the "familiars" in the room to make me accept the fact that I am still in my own house, I don't see them. I see the items in the room that my mind makes me feel that I am in. Does that make sense? It's really strange and really annoying.
I was offered an opinion that maybe I am sleeping but my mind is making me feel as though I am truly awake. I don't know if that's what it is or not, but I know something strange is going on. It wouldn't be as big a deal, but I never feel fully rested. With some "memories" (or whatever they are) I wish I didn't have to "wake up" or get snapped back into reality. Some really hurt though, and I can't shake them. I go through the night remembering every detail, every scent, and when it's time to snap out of it, I try to will myself not to, but I can't help it. Maybe this is my minds way of saying never let it go, never let it die, never let the little things slip away, because one day, I won't remember the small things that made me the happiest, and that will be one of the most tragic days of all.

Sleepless Slumber

I'm stuck in a world between fiction and reality. I cannot seem to seperate the thoughts in my head, and my inability to do this, is slowly driving me insane.
I had a dream about you last night. You were laying in that bed, and I was the only one at your side. I was staring at the floor, trying to collect my thoughts, and when I looked up, your eyes were open. With the biggest smile and warmest laugh you said "Hi baby"! "Where have you been," I yelled as tears began to roll down my cheek and I lunged forward to give you a hug. You said, "I've always been here," and gave me another great hug. Trembling I picked up the phone and called...I called someone. Then it all gets blurry.
But was this just a dream? I've had strange dreams that seem to be polar opposites of the life I lead now, and the things that occur in them were the "what if's" that I pondered so much before. So have I somehow slipped into a worm hole and I am able to see what my life would have been like if I chose different paths? Did I force myself to remember something that never happened, but because I believe so strongly in the power of the mind, I inadvertantly began to lead a lie because I wasn't capable of accepting the fact that what I remembered wasn't real? What the hell? I don't know!

Questions of the Day

I wait and I wonder, how did this life come to be? What thoughts run rampant through the mind? What feelings are hidden behind cloudy eyes? What words are trapped behind closed lips? And what is the true meaning of happiness?
When it rains, it pours, then it floods. Water rising to a dangerous level, drowning out sorrow and smiles, laughter and tears. How do you drain such a dense lake of sludge? How does one release all that they have known and all that they have grown to understand, and never look back? I don't know, and I don't think I want to know.
Life is a strange thing anymore. What I once thought was reality, I now understand to be fiction. Everything that I have done and everyone I have come in contact with, seems to be nothing more than a mere memory. But the memories are lost in looking towards the future, looking towards tomorrow, looking at today and looking past yesterday. Where does one look then? To the sky, to follow the second star to the right and on until morning? To the east to see a blazing sun rise, or the west to view a smoldering sunset? To go anywhere and do anything, I have come to realize that a person must not look anywhere, but inside themself.
I thought I knew what I wanted. I still think I have a clue what I need. But the wants and the needs are hard to decipher anymore. What is the ultimate happiness I so longingly search for? Where is this Utopia I dream of? When is the right time to soar into the moonlight? So many questions with answers that are no where to be found. Looking deep within to find them isn't as easy as I had hoped. In doing so, I feel I am at a concrete wall, trying to chip it away with a hat pin. The beloved "needle in a haystack" cliche seems to walk hand-in-hand with everything that I ponder.
So what am I asking for? What do I need or want or hope for? I wish I knew. All I know is that looking inside myself is what I need to do, and it's a task that I cannot give up on. I'm not a quitter, everyone knows that. Therefore, I will never give up on finding out all the answers to the questions I pose, no matter what channels I have to go through. I will never give up the battle, because life is war, and the only way to win, is to fight for what I believe in.