Me Against the World

There comes a time in every person’s life, when all of a sudden, the things they thought they knew for sure aren’t turning out to be such “sure” things.

I hate saying it this way, but I really thought I knew my friends. I really thought that I’d never feel left out, alone, pushed to the side, forgotten…but I do. I know everyone has their own life, their own agenda, but it’s a hard pill to swallow realizing that while I always tried to include them in mine, they aren’t the same kind of thinker that I am.

I can’t fault anyone but myself, because I guess I gave them too much credit in assuming I’d be treated the way I treated them. I’d give my life for my friends. I’d do anything in my power to make time for them, spend time with them, be there for them…but I guess that’s just me and how I think.

In the brief span of just a few months, I feel I have lost a tight bond, a close connection to the people who meant the most to me. Not to lump everyone into that category, but a good handful I can. When did we all start growing apart? When did everyone start living for themselves and only for themselves?

I guess that’s selfish of me to say (and somewhat puerile). Because that’s what you’re supposed to do. LIVE for yourself and what will make you happy. I just always take into account everyone else’s feelings, so it’s just something that I haven’t been able to do. But now that I’m “on my own” I have no other choice but to hop on that train.

They told me when I reached my 30s, my mindset would change. When I reached my 30s, life would take a course-route change. When I turned 30, things would change beyond belief, some for the good, some for the bad, but a big change would occur. Now, I see.

So here’s to new beginnings. A new chapter in life that can almost be titled with a thought stemming from the mind of a typical 16-year old, but backed by the wisdom of a 30-year old. It’s Me Against the World…Here we go…

Oh so confused!

So confused. And I hate being confused. This is definitely one situation I can honestly say I have NEVER been in before IN MY LIFE. I mean, how do all signs point one way...while all "signs" point another? I just don't get it. I mean, is this life's way of f'n with me? Or is this my way of learning some kinda of lesson? Or something about myself? Or something about lust, love and happiness? I just don't know. It boggles the mind.

I feel it could be a lesson...in telling people too much? In spilling too much of my life. Given I really didn't spill to people who didn't matter too me...I guess it's bad that I have that many close friends, lol.

Soooo yea. I guess we shall just have to see where this takes me...

The bad...the good...the content...

So a couple things...I think things have officially started to take a turn in a couple different aspects of my life. The first one, I'm not so happy about, but can do nothing but roll with it and remember...I knew this was bound to happen one day...No, strike that. I never believed it would happen, but everyone told me one day, things just won't be the same. Sadly...I now know and fully understand what they meant. It's a hard pill to swallow, I do feel some "resentment" of sorts...but I guess this comes with the "growing up" territory.

On the other side of the coin...I can't help but feel excited for the possibility of new. I like that feeling :-) There are a few mental hurdles that I know I need to clear...more than that, totally get over and leave behind me. But that will come in time, if it's meant to be. As for right now, I'm just going to enjoy every minute. It's quite exciting, thrilling and just all around awesome. We shall see...

So perhaps these situations cancel each other out? Sad + Happy = Content? I can handle that.

Day 1: Mental Workout

Step 1. Get over yourself.
Step 2. Seriously, get over yourself.
Step 3. GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF
Step 4. Rinse and repeat.

I HATE V-Day

So I've pretty much said all my life how much I dislike Valentine's Day. For whatever reason, this year it's ringing true SO much louder and SO much more annoyingly!

I know I'm just jealous of everyone who has someone on this wondrous Hallmark holiday, but MAN I am irritated by today. I'm so sick of seeing the lovey dovey "Will you be mine?" or "Be My Valentine" or "I just love so-and-so sooo much." Ummm, hello! Why do you need one day to proclaim it?! Shouldn't you be out there saying it everyday? Come on now!

One of the most difficult things (I think) is that I've shot down so many guys -- and I'm not saying that to sound like I have alllll these zillions of gentlemen callers who are wooing over me -- but there have been at least 5 who weren't accepting of one major faction of my life (me being BFFs with a dude) so I had to bid them adieu. It just sucks. Because every so often, I wonder if I should have pushed it to see how they'd react...Guess I'll never know. But I also think what's meant to be is meant to be.

So yea, closing statement for this absotively pointless holiday...FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY!

Regrets

I try and live my life without regrets. But I think that's an impossibility. No matter how much you try NOT to regret something, sometimes you do something and there's really no way not to feel guilty or regretful about it. And that's the boat I am in today.

I know what I have to do to make sure it doesn't happen again, but it's hard. I didn't kill anyone or anything, but I know in my heart it's time to move past a certain situation and just end it. Nothing good will come of it. And the longer it goes on, the harder it will be in the end...for both parties involved.

The only way for the future to begin is to leave the past in the past and stop trying to drag it along because it's a "safety" or because of fear of the unknown. It's time to take that blinded leap and just see what life has to offer. It won't be easy, but it's something that must be done. For sanity and conscience's sake...it must be done.