OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!!!

I have never felt so out of control in all my life.

Everything seems to be spiraling and I have no control over it! How do I fix what's broken? How do I get over the things I need to and accept what is and what's not!? I can't do everything at once, damnit! I'm trying my best to be a good friend. I'm trying my best to stop the "awkward" feelings I have about a bunch of different situations, but it's going to take time! I have too much else going on right now to try and balance that out with everything else.

Ok, so I SUCK as a friend. I get it. I FUCKING SUCK. I'm selfish. I'm a bitch. I'm all about me right now. So sorry that I can't be Miss Perfect and adequately handle/deal with things like everyone seems to think I should.

BAH.

Damn conscience, getting in the way...

What the hell is this thing?! This conscience!? I hate to say it, but I feel like I lived so long without one...or with one in hiding, that I'm not quite sure how to handle feeling/knowing I really do have one! It's insane!

I do things or choose to engage in situations/dramas that aren't the best to get into. In essence, my life is definitely a series of bad decisions. By bad, I will say some decisions are harder to live with than others. Why? Because now I actually worry about other people. Not to say I didn't before, but before, everything was all about me (in the end). Man, that sounds even worse.

What I'm trying to say is that I used to care what people thought before, but I didn't let it interfere with how I was living. Now, I put those thoughts/cares/concerns before my own and TOTALLY let them interfere with my life. I mean, I have to rethink something a gazillion times before I'll do it because I have to think out the possible scenarios/outcomes.

I no longer leap before I look...and I kinda miss that.