Another one bites the dust...

My heart hurts. Why must "right" decisions have to lead to such pain?

I was OK last night. I was OK during the conversation. I was OK once I regained composure from the initial breakdown...now I just feel sad and my heart is aching. I know healing takes time. I know if it's meant to be, it will be. I know if you let something go and it comes back, it's meant to be. I know that I HATE BULLSHIT CLICHES MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN I'M FEELING SAD....but they're so true.

The hardest thing for me right now is I want to see him. I want to still be able to hang out with him or chit chat...but we can't. As much as "we can because we're adults" it would do nothing but deepen the pain and sadness AND make the healing all but impossible. I still plan to give him his birthday present. I still plan to give him a hug when he comes over to get his stuff...It just all around sucks.

I felt so empowered and strong to do it, but of course, now, I start "regretting" or having second thoughts---which I can't. There is nothing to regret. And we both agreed that we wouldn't be bitter or regret anything. I love him...I still do, but there's just way too much going on in his life that he needs to get taken care of first, before we could move forward with our life.

This getting older thing and being all mature is a load of hooey!

bah!

Flitting. Fleeting. Flying...
Out of control.
My life is spiraling.

Curse. You. Geminiosity!

Seriously? Again with the bullshit? Ok, so all of a sudden, my Gemini insanity swung with a punch that rivals Chuck Norris--no, not blasphemy, just using to give an impression of the severity of said punch.

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I mean, am I being overly picky? Am I being a bitch? Am I ambivalent? I HAVE NO CLUE. I just don't like it whatsoever, because I feel like a bad person or like I am being unfair.

Shouldn't I be on cloud nine? Shouldn't I be happy or excited to make contact? Shouldn't I not roll my eyes at exchanges that are meant to be dear-hearted? I feel there is a problem...and that problem is me...and I hate when that happens!

So what do I do? How does one verbalize that which they don't know? I have no clue! By all it accounts, none of this makes any sense WHATSOEVER.

*sigh* I need a break

Anyone Have a Chill Pill!?!?!

Ok. So I am in this constant state of surging emotions right now. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm nervous. I'm confident. I'm doubting (self and circumstances). I'm freaking out. I'm cool as a cucumber. With every emotion I have an equal yet opposite emotion. So do they cancel out? If I'm feeling excited yet nervous...do they cancel out and I am just "feeling"? Or maybe I "am"? I dunno. It's all so crazy.

I feel more insane than normal. Perhaps the moon? Perhaps the planetary alignment? Perhaps the busy weekends-o-stuff that are coming up? Perhaps the mitigating circumstances in my life? Perhaps a nice blend of everything. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Must. Take. Chill. Pill. Lol.

Update: Recant

Ok. So let me recant (kinda) my last blog. After re-reading it, I feel as though it came across much bitchier than anticipated -- even after explaining that it's not meant to be taken that way.

I do enjoy time to myself. I do enjoy hanging out with certain groups of friends "just the three of us," but I guess in reality, life's not always about division. It's about addition. Adding people into your social network is how bonds are created and strengthened. And it also makes for social acceptance (not that any of my friends are haters or anything, but...)

Ok, now that we have that cleared up, I feel much better.

Life here is going pretty damn good right now. Feeling pretty good and am hoping I can maintain this mindset/feeling-o-awesome for a while, because it is most definitely a plus.