Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am becoming severely and extremely irritated with myself. I cannot get my brain to stop thinking! Moreover, I cannot get it to stop OVER-THINKING. I mean really, I know this is "the norm" for me and I should be 110% used to it, but I'm not. As crazy as it sounds, it keeps me up at night even though I'm asleep. Sooo totally not cool.

And this pops up at my horoscope: You may find that you have conflicting feelings about what to do next. It may help you to take some time out to quietly reflect on what your deeper nature is telling you, to discover how you really do feel, as opposed how you think you should feel.

Ummmmm yea. That's totally what I've been trying to do, but shit ain't happenin'! *sigh* this past week/month/year has been entirely too stressful for my liking. There have been many, many, MANY good parts, don't get me wrong, but dear GOD! The stress is killing me!

Wait...Oh damn, I lost it.

While this may not be the proper time, this certainly is the proper place...to vent. Life is just so UGH. I think I know what I want and then all of a sudden I feel like I don't. Like I get it. But I don't get it. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I have no fucking clue. *sigh*

I know I want to babble. I know I want to spew forth words that are on my mind but I have no clue what the heck to say. F. What started out as a release has turned back into mental constipation. ICK!

Sappy Moment at Work

Let me preface this with a fact. I do not like anise candy. I just don't like it. I'll drink Sambuca, but no anise candy.

Well there's a bowl of hard candy on the counter in the kitchen. I walked by and noticed they're all wrapped in shiny red wrapping. I snagged one and popped one in my mouth. It's anise flavored. The reason I didn't just spit it out is because my Grandpa always used to suck on these candies, and by having one, I just got the overwhelming feeling of him being nearby.

*sigh*

Not gonna lie, I got kinda choked up. Gonna have to snag a handful and keep them with me for when I get sad and just want to remember or feel him near.

Oooooo rundown

OOF. Boy oh boy do I feel rundown tonight. They say an object at rest tends to stay at rest...that is sooooooooooo true. I got home and didn't do ANYTHING...and good God do I feel like a slug. I know I should have taken advantage of my free night and did something productive, but that sure as heck didn't happen.

I've gotten into a bad habit of this. I mean, I use the excuse that I work two jobs to become a lazy ass--which is not good at all. Because it sure does take a toll on the body. Eat too much and go to bed. Bad bad bad bad bad.

There's just not enough hours in the day to do fun stuff. I'm not asking for a cookie, because I know a lot of people have busy days/lives. But seriously, up at 5 to workout and the day just keeps going. By the time I get home from both jobs it's 11. Bed by 12. Up at 5, rinse and repeat. Insanity. In college it wasn't that big of a deal--I wish I had that mentality now. Because it would reaaaaaally help.

The whole responsibility thing is way overrated. I mean, I think that's the biggest difference between now and then. Not that a job wasn't important, but it just didn't seem as dire. Silly, but true. Oh well. Such is life.

A healthier lifestyle...begins tomorrow!

I know I've threatened it many times before, but this time, I am 100% serious. Starting tomorrow I am embarking on a healthy lifestyle! Yes, the trigger for this was Lent and the fact that due to "stress" I've been eating like a freaking moo-cow for the past month. But NO MORE I tell you! I looked at pics from New Year's Eve and LOVED how I looked. I look at pics from a recent party and can't stand it. So enough is enough.

Hahaha. I say this as I just finished chowing down a paczki and thinking about what I'm going to get for lunch. LOL. But seriously, enough is enough. I did my usual, giving into my vice of eating to comfort me, but all I did was set myself back. Not cool. And I know once I start on the trend and make it through a week or two, I'll be good-to-go. But it's just getting there.

I hate feeling tubbo. I hate feeling unattractive. And that is just how I feel. My fat jeans are tight on me. A t-shirt I've always been able to wear (even in chubby times) officially looks hideous on me. So here is where I take my stand.

Life's a game of chance

It's funny how one simple, innocent comment can trigger such a flood of emotions and thoughts. I mean, it just amazes me how the brain works. I wish I could wrap my mind around it (no pun intended). Moreover, I wish I could make heads or tails of the chaos that is running rampant through my head.

I know I always say life's a crazy thing, because it is, I just wish sometimes that I could figure it out a little more. I know mystery and intrigue and confusion are all good, because they help keep the brain from getting soft, but sometimes I just want an answer! Sometimes I just want to know!

But I guess that really isn't life. Nothing's ever easy, which is good. Because if it was, we wouldn't have fun with challenges. But I dunno.

I'm just stuck in limbo right now. There's the whole chance everything...but when you do that, you chance losing everything...is it a risk worth taking? Saying that out loud did make me realize that it might just be...hmmmmm.

The truth comes out

So my cool manager asked about the ex. It was kinda funny/weird all rolled into one. Because on one hand I was trying to be as professional and chill as I could be (ie...keeping my mouth in check) but on the other hand, I just wanted to be brutally honest. I did good though, I kept all answers on a higher note and just said what I told another woman -- we both were ready to settle down, but on different levels. He wanted it to be mainly him, me and his daughter, where as I wanted to add my friends into the equation.

It was kinda strange talking about it. Because I really wanted to get into it and just spill the truth...but I didn't. *sigh* LOL. I was waiting to get home and see another email from him (yea, he emailed me a short message the other day that made me want to shoot back with an equally shady comment, but again I was the BIGGER PERSON and I didn't).

Ohhh the joys of post-break-up explanations. Especially when it has to deal with people whom we both still talk to. Oh well. At least it's getting out there. And maybe she'll tell the SM whom I think still thinks we're together...We shall see.