The past keeps getting farther away...

It feels like all these doors (of events from my past) are slamming shut, locking, forcing me to stop looking back and only look forward. Yes, that is a good thing, because as I've written before, you can't live in your past, but it's still a sad thing.

Take for example Geauga Lake. The park closed in 2007. I had a season pass there for almost 20 years of my life. I now live by the park. I drive by it a few times a week, and just seeing it in its defunct state makes me want to cry. I have such wonderful memories there, and wish I could get back in to just take one more look around...but I can't. (Well, I guess I could, but then that brings up the chances of getting arrested which I am not all about-bout).

I guess on another hand, if I did get back in, what would it accomplish. It's not like it'd give me closure (or maybe it would?) but...Who knows.

And there's more than that. Looking back, everything just seems so far away. And it just keeps getting farther and farther (duh, this is what happens as we age, right? Right). I dunno, this was just a little rambling I had to get out while at work.

Stepping Outside the Comfort Zone

I went to see UP this weekend with my mom. It was a very depressing movie. Yes, it turned around and was all "awwwwwwwww," but there were quite a few times it brought me to tears. I don't think it's a good movie for kids, because I don't think they can fully comprehend the takeaway of the movie.

It really got me thinking though. I mean, the main value/lesson I got out of it is to do everything you can do before it's too late. If you have a dream, go for it! Don't hold back and keep pushing it off, because one day, it will be too late, and you make never accomplish it. With that said, I know I need to step outside the comfort zone I set for myself and actually get out there and do stuff.

I need to stop thinking or talking about going on vacation, and actually plan one. Get out there and just do it. I need to stop just talking about taking a day off and actually do it! Sit outside, get some sun, relax the day away and not worry what housework I SHOULD be doing or what work-work I may be missing. Seriously...start living for the now because tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

If only I could actually get over that hump and DO IT. It's one thing to say it and another to do it. Kinda like running in the morning. I have ALL INTENTIONS of getting up and running every morning, but then the alarm goes off and I'm like ehhhhh, I can sleep a little longer. But doing that doesn't help me achieve my goal of toning up and slimming down. Yeargh.

But yea, that movie really got me thinking. I don't want to put myself into debt, but maybe I do need to move outside the comfort zone and do what I want to do...not what I should do or need to do. I'm not talking neglect paying bills or keeping up with important stuff, I just mean that instead of feeling guilty for doing fun stuff, I should embrace it and enjoy it because it is fun! It's what I want to do.

So there we have it. I know what I need to do...now it's just a matter of doing it. Get'r'done!

Censorship

I've never censored myself. I've never posted a blog, but then pulled it down for fear of what someone would say...but I did...I did! I actually wrote something, posted it, then pulled it down shortly after...WTF?!

I know I mentioned it in a post eons ago, but I sometimes worry that my outlet for venting, my outlet for escaping my mental prison, my outlet for saying what I want to say because I have forbidden myself from actually saying whatever it is out loud is no longer an outlet, because I can't fully be me...Did that make sense? It's insanity!

Do I fear the repercussions? Do I fear others will change their opinion of me? Do I fear that I am exposing myself too much? I have no idea, but it seriously sucks. I guess I could always just create a new blog and not give out the info and if people find it, they find it...but On The Cliff's Edge is MINE! An Ill-Fated Butterfly is what I am! I don't want to abandon it just because...I'm scared...

Fuck.

To be continued...

Synesthesia

I hate pulling the "if I knew then what I know now" bit, but I need to. If I knew then what I know now, I would NOT rush life the way I did. Every minute was spent working towards the next, anticipating the next, hoping for a better next...I don't think I stopped to smell the roses EVER and just enjoyed the moment I was in.

The reason I bring this up tonight is because I bought new face cleanser (ok, it's not new-new, it's Noxema, and I haven't used it in a while). So as I'm washing my face, the scent triggers a memory flashback overload kinda sense and my mind started whirling. It took me back to the Portage Pointe days (all the good and the bad). It warped me back to Deer Run. It made me get a crazy nostalgic feeling that made me miss the old days.

I love where I am today, don't get me wrong, but sometimes getting mentally-thrown back in time makes me a little sad. It just amazes me how long ago college feels. How long ago turning 21 feels. Hell, how long ago a year ago feels. It's just mind blowing!

Synesthesia has got to be one of the wackiest and craziest things ever. I mean really, just how 1 simple scent can make you remember so much. It happens with songs too. I'll hear something and instantly, I feel the way I did when that song was most prominent in my life. Insanity.

Life is indeed a crazy thing. It's a good thing that it keeps on going. So I guess it's a good time to take my own medicine and remind myself that I need to enjoy everyday for what it is in this moment, because in the blink of an eye, it's in the past, and I'll never be able to get it back.