Morning BITCHFEST

OK, I rarely ever do this during the day, but I have to today, or else I think I am going to explode. I am so freaking pissed off right now!!! Ya know how some things just get under your skin to the point where you want to claw yourself until you bleed?! Yea, that's the point I am at. The point where I feel like I'm so wound up that I am in tears. The point where finding the nearest cliff and jumping sounds so much more pleasant than having to deal with the emotions and screaming that is going on in my head. Yea, that's the point I am at.

Why do I let this kinda shit bother me? I care too much, maybe that's it? Or maybe other's don't care enough? Could that be it? Who the fuck knows. All I can say is that I really REALLY want a drink right now. I feel like I am totally tweaking out, and that is NOT a good feeling to have when you're at work. I'm trying to not let my "issues" take over my attitude, but I think they already have. I guess I'll just have to clench my fists really hard so my nails dig into my palms and hope that that will snap me out of it.

I wish I could just shut myself down sometimes, then I wouldn't take everything so much to heart. Yea, that'd be nice...

Kinda rough day

Well, maybe I was just asking for it when I semi-forced myself to write something last night? I don't know what was up today. Summer solstice came in and HOLY HELL, my day got massively thrown outta whack!! I took things the wrong way and got the day off to a rough start. Then throughout the day, I kept feeling like an emotional basket case. I was doing good, good, good, then WHAM, it was like a roundhouse kick to the face. I just got sad and upset. I have no "good" reason to feel that way, but I did. My doorman friend made a comment about everyday being a blessing, so that was kinda ironic, because it was just a little while before that that I hit my downward spiral.

I think I may go to bed early tonight. I don't like doing that too often, because if I get too much sleep on a weeknight, I tend to have a crappy day the next day. But, I might just have to do that. Maybe it'll give my mind a little time to wear itself down. That'll be the day, lol.

I must say this, a couple Sundays ago, I woke with the greatest feeling in the world. I think I had somehow tapped into my unconscious and my subconscious, and I was just in total peace. It was almost like a dream, but I knew I was awake. I was holding Bman's hand too, that just added to the happiness. I can't explain it really. I wish I could, but it was just a feeling I don't think I have ever felt before, and if I did, it was in a deep sleep, one that I cannot recall. A feeling of total and utter contentment, almost like I had no cares or worries in the world. I hope one day though, I can feel it again.

Pointless Entry

I haven't written in a while and decided it was time to add something, nothing that big because I don't have anything majorly specific to write about, but...

So yea. I've had a million and one things on my mind lately. Some things have been dragging me down, but I'm trying my best to not let them.

OH! I rekindled a friendship with a long lost friend!! It's great! They say friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime, and I know she is meant to be a lifetime one! It feels like nothing changed, which is sweet. We also realize we were idiots for not getting in contact sooner. It was one of those things where I thought she was mad and me and vice versa. But that's in the past, now we just look back and laugh on it.

Hmm what else what else. Well, I'm still trying to better myself in all aspects of my life. The physical isn't going so well, but I'm working on it. I kinda miss wearing black. I wore all black today and actually felt a weird sense of inner peace. It's hard because I get so many compliments on wearing color, blah blah blah, but black just gives me that sense of, oh I don't know, me-ness. Oh well, I'll figure out something. It makes me feel more comfortable or something. Perhaps because it's said to be thinning? Who knows.

Ok, that's it for now. Pointless entry, but I wanted to get the creative juices flowing again.