Final Blog of '06

So this is it, the final blog of 2006....WOW, so many things have happened over the course of this year, I don't know what I want to say.

Presently, I'm sad, a little anxious, and very quiet. Bill was in the hospital, on the verge of passing into the great unknown, 2 years ago now. That's been wearing on my mind lately, especially because I have been having crazy-ass dreams about the past as well.

I'm anxious for tonight, because it is going to be a blast. I'm also anxious, because I have nothing to wear, I feel as though at times I get a little bit of social anxiety, especially when there are other females present, and, well, I dunno what else. I can't determine what's eating away at me.

The oddest part of it all is my quietness. I'm not usually quiet at all. Loud, outgoing, boisterous...But I think right know I'm very reflective. Bernardi teases me and says "Ok Shakespeare," whenever I spew out a quote or just sound philosophical. I can't help it. I think it's a part of who I am to kind of shutdown a little bit at the end of every year, and catch my breath a little.

I look forward to 2007. So many wonderful things lay ahead of me, and it's cool, because I usually wish away things, but this time, I'm not. I'm not apprehensive about what the future holds, because I know it's going to be great. In my mind, I'm just coasting down the lazy river of life. So we shall see. But for now, I am off to get ready for the day.

Goodbye 2006.
Welcome to the world 2007!!!!

Social Anxiety? (Meant to be posted 12-20)

Sometimes I wonder if it is true what I've been told, I never "experienced" true college life. My brother always told me that I screwed up by not living on campus. I never gained the whole "college experience" because I moved from home to my first apartment. I never hung around campus, because I usually worked at night, and why would I drive back and forth every day (more than I already had to)? Aside from the fact that I really didn't have any friends who lived on campus a/o wanted to go out, I just never made it back to hang out there.

We used to throw parties every weekend where the crew would come over and we would get drunk and belligerent. It was always a good time, but looking back now, I wonder if I should have tried harder to gain more of the college appeal. I can't say that life was sucky (by any means) because we were always busy doing something, but every so often, I get that "regret" ping (though I regret nothing...) but someone's got to know what I mean.

Even now, going out is something I look forward to, yet dread all in the same. Given, I really don't go out as much as I'd "like" to, and it's always exciting until I get the wave of nervous nausea where I feel the anxiety of social settings preparing to roundhouse kick me in the face...So yea. I think it's a "grass is greener" kind of thing too. It always seems like people who go out often (or more often than I) always have this killer time, and then there's me, sitting on my couch with a bottle of wine...Yea...

I guess another thing is that I like to go out with a group, preferably a group of people that I know a/o like. I like to think I have a strong head on my shoulders as well, but when I get out there and see all the perfect normies, I get a little (ok maybe a lot) self conscious. Size 2 chics with D creamers and outfits made for Maxim, all hanging in their gaggle of perfection, then I look in a mirror, and there's me... Definitely NOT like them (which is good because of the disdain I hold for girlie girls) but a little nerve wracking none the less. Then the massive wave of thoughts crashes through my mind, making me wonder, ponder and over-analyze EVERYTHING, and my night is shot.

So who knows? I know I sure as hell don't. Just something I felt strongly about babbling about. Maybe one of my 07 resolutions will be to change that feeling/issue? I dunno. We shall see I guess. And that's about all I have on that topic...

To My Sister

She is my beauty.
The one whose eyes sparkle like the most crystalline lake,
the one who's smile and laugh makes me smile in return.
She is the one whom I call friend, whom I call sister,
the one who will always and forever be my one true girlfriend.
She is the one that stuck with me through it all,
who was once just an acquaintance, but as luck have it,
turned into my bestest girlfriend in the world.
She was the one I fleetingly met at Dave and Busters...
The one who wanted to sneak away at Point to have a smoke,
and bitch about the coaster freaks we called "ours".
She was the one who I could relate to more than a little,
the one I could turn to in times of crisis more than a lot!
She is the girl, the woman that I could hold endless conversations with,
over cheap red wine and cheap, fruit-flavored cigars on my balcony.
The one to watch Nip/Tuck with, and eat stinky cheese with by the hunk.
She is the one whom I could make my journal, as I have told her everything,
and anything,
that I had ever felt, thought or said.
She is my bestest girlfriend, my favoritest (and only) sister,
she is My Stephy, and I love her to death...

And in this blog, I just want to say that I miss her to pieces already, but I am so proud and happy for her that she is doing what she wants to do. It's hard to say TA-TA to my sister, but we'll see each other over the course of the year, and Turkey Day is a tradition!!

I love you Stephy, and am going to miss you like whoa!! Nip/Tuck! Who left the toilet seat up?! Smoke it like a blunt!!! I love you!!!