Happiness..WOW What a Concept!

I have had lots on my mind lately...Sorting it out is the hard part, but luckily the tetris pieces of thought are falling and clearing out rows, so I am able to connect my thoughts and actually process ideas. Happiness is on my mind today.

For a couple months now, I have been really happy. Not that I wasn't before, but I'm a different kind of happy now. A non-forced kind of happy. I know it's due to the influences that are presently at work in my realm. I know it's due to the people in my life at this time. I know it's due in part to the fact that I am finally over what had to have been the hardest 2 years of my 24 years on this earth. This feeling of "happiness" is just so amazing to me. I have my good days, I have my bad days, but that's "normal". And since I'm finally getting a taste of living a "normal" existence, I have to admit, it's not as scary as I once saw it to be.

As in a prior blog, anymore, the things that make me the happiest are those small little things that seemingly go unnoticed, but really, they are never overlooked. A kiss on the forehead when I'm sleeping. A hug just because. A response to a blog. Cleaning the living room before I get a chance to. Repeating something I said in "my tone" because you thought it was cute. Using silly voices to make me laugh (Ya can't go in there...). Getting tickled. Texting just to say hey "hi" or to let me know you made it home safely. Posting a comment on my page. Just chilling on the balcony. Holding my hand (or me). Knowing you understand when I'm in a mood and not getting mad at me because of it. Knowing you pay attention when I talk...There's so many more, but this was a good taste of the top ones.

I feel like I stepped out of a really dense fog and am now getting my first taste of "life". Well, maybe not that deep. I feel like I stepped out of a dense fog and I can finally see things without a haze or shadow covering or surrounding them. I like being happy. It may make me more dorkier or gooberific than ever...But I really like stepping out of the shadows and not hating the world anymore... :-D

As we mature...

It's funny how things change as we grow older (or up). How the things that once sounded so boring, so lame, are now the things that bring me so much joy. It's no longer the huge things, the trips, the parties, the all-night raves or dance clubs...It now seems to be the down time. Instead of getting all gussied up, instead of primping and prepping for hours on end to try and impress everyone and anyone, it's nice to be able to just lay around in pajama pants and a t-shirt, and feel just as special.

Looking back to a few years ago, when I was 22'ish, I couldn't even fathom the idea of staying home and just "hanging out". I didn't see how chillaxing and drinking and watching movies all weekend could be any fun. The good times were at the bars, the clubs, the crazy parties...How could hanging out at an apartment be better than that?! Now, I understand. It's not a matter of being out and crazy and wild in public, it boils down to being with the ones you are closest to and enjoying their company. Sure, going out is still fun, but it's not something that I LOVE to do all the time. Home cooked dinners and Power Hour drinking with one person, two people, ten other people, is just as fun, if not "funner" than going out and getting hammered with a bunch of strangers that you somehow end up confessing your love to and making friends with even though you have no intentions of ever seeing them again. It's INSANE!

I think another thing is, as we mature, we begin to see that the people we hold closest to us should not be taken for granted. Times change, people change, but the real friends are always there. If not physically, in spirit and in mind. I know I don't see some friends enough, but they are still a great part of my life, and not a day goes by where they don't cross my mind. In conclusion, I really do think it's the little things that mean the most. A call, a text, a quiet night in...Whatever it may be, it's the little things that make up the important parts of life. Life's not measured in the amount of breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...

Family Hurts

I'm trying not to let this bother me. I'm trying not to let it hurt...But it doesn't seem to be working...

I went to my nephew's birthday party yesterday, and upon walking in, I instantly felt awkward. I tried to slough it off as nothing more than me being silly, but it was quite apparent within a matter of minutes that I was more of an unwanted black sheep than I originally believed.

Why let it bother me though? I asked my mom when we left why it hurt so much, and she said that as we get older, family becomes more important to us. I wish it didn't hurt as much. I tried my hardest to be social with my brothers and their wives, but it just wasn't enough. I felt like they didn't care, like I wasn't welcome there. I tried to talk about life, asking how work was or telling them that so and so said hi, but once I finished my sentence, their backs were turned and I was left talking to a wall. Hell, when I left, I didn't even get a hug from anyone, just a wave of the hand. It really did tear me up inside. I hate crying, but I did. I hate knowing that I let them make me cry and get to me, but I do, and nothing can change that.

As much as I want to put on the mask and say how much I hate my family, I can't. I used to be able to, but anymore, it just doesn't fit. They may not care or love me, but they'll always be my brothers. Right? I guess I had just hoped that one day we'd have a normal relationship, like the ones I see with my friends. How they call their brothers or sisters, being older or younger, just to talk or to say "I love you" or something. Why can't I have that? Is it because I'm not 100% blood-related? What is it about me that they don't like and why do they act like I'm invisible?

And for the "It Can't Rain All the Time" Thought...At least I have Chris. He is the best brother and friend a girl could have.

Reality Check---Everybody's Free

***I think this is an EXCELLENT reality check***

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99... wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are NOT as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.

"Beauty"

What is it?
Is it a tiny little body? Fitting into a size 2 and trying for the almost impossible size zero?
Is it the way you look when dressed to the nines? The way you look in pajamas and glasses?
Is it a sparkle in the eyes? Staring deep you become mesmerized and get lost?
Is it plump, luscious Angelina Jolie lips?
Is it the way you wear your hair? Long and flowing or cropped and short?
Is it how you carry yourself, walking with attitude with a hint of confidence?
What is it that makes someone "beautiful"?

Is it more than just physical features? Is it the way you act, the sound of your laugh?
Is it your sense of humor? The way you can go from comic relief to intellectual in the bat of an eye?
Is it how you are in private, versus how you are in public?
Is it the sound of your voice when you speak?

What is it that can give someone the label of "beautiful"? They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder....The eye of the beer holder...But is there a definitive answer? More so, does anyone ever actually believe they are beautiful? I mean truly believe they are beautiful? Or does society's values and beliefs alter that which one may see as beautiful, and in turn, no one ever holds the dictionary definition to such an ambiguous word?