*Re-statement*

So let this be my testimonial....You can't take everything at face value! It was brought to my attention that some of my previous blogs contained material that infuriated someone. I apologize! Writing is my way of relaxing. It is my way to get out the hurt, the anger, the frustrations of life! Also, it must be noted that some of what I say may not be 100% fact and can be anywhere from 1% to 100% fiction. I write what I know. I write what I think. I write what I don't know in an attempt to understand or at least try to understand the "unknowns" of life.
I am so confused right now, I cannot make heads of tails of anything. All I know is that in an attempt to follow your heart, a person is ultimately starting down a path of anger, frustration, confusion and more to try to get out of the darkness of the woods. They have nothing more than smile and a hope to get them to their Utopia, and at times, the trek seems too hard. It seems like it would be easier to run straight through and hope for the best, but you can't do that. You have to get lost to be able to find yourself and what you are truly searching for. Sometimes it may not be what you had originally set out to find or do, but other times, it might just be that perfect thing that you never gave up on. In the end, no matter what the outcome of your journey, you'll at least be able to say that you tried and when you succeed at your mission, you will be able to hold your shining star high, and your happiness and determination to achieve it, won't ever let it go dim.

What makes me smile

It's the little things that make me smile. A quick call to do lunch. A quick kiss before running off to do one's own thing. A phone call to say how much something is appreciated. It's the smallest and most minute things that mean the most to me anymore.
The way the wind whispers answers to the questions I scream into the night. The way the sun reflects off a glassy lake, mirroring the images that surround it. It's just a feeling that warms me inside, and I can do nothing but smile.
It's like when I visit my Grandpa Joe's grave, no matter how upset or confused I am, no matter how clouded my mind is, all of a sudden, everything seems so crystal clear. I feel as though the weight of the world is being lifted off me, and just for those few minutes, I feel at peace once again. It's almost like my grandpa is giving me a hug from heaven and taking away all the anguish I feel inside. It makes me smile even more because whenever I leave there, it seems that all my sadness is gone. I actually feel a lot better.
So I dunno. I was just evaulating what happiness is to me, and I realized that it is something that cannot be bought. It is something that may not mean anything to anyone else, but to me, it means the world. Something as small as throwing a nickname out in conversation, or calling just to say hi puts a smile on my face. It's the little things that mean the most.

Depths of Thought

Beneath this hooded cloak I roam, tasting the bitter-sweet fruits of temptation. I wander aimlessly, searching for the key to unlock the door leading into Utopia. But where shall I look for this treasure? How many pools must I dip my fingertips into until I find the lost fountain of youth? I continue this search, this quest each day, never knowing which path to take or which road to travel down. Relying on nothing but my instincts, I walk blindly into the unknown.
I touch flame to learn what the soul of fire feels like. I taste acid to understand what lingering hatred feels like. I open my arms to pain and misunderstandings in an attempt to prove to myself that I am strong. Traveling this dusty highway, I realize that the only footprints are my own, and that I am utterly alone. But looking ahead, I see my footprints pre-made, and behind, there is nothing but gritty dirt, swirling in the wind. So is the deja vu feeling that rapes my mind each day more than just a fluke? Have I lived this life, and walked these roads, and still make the same choices and decisions because it is fate? Because it is the destiny I was meant to have? Or am I eternally cursed to haunt my memories and my past, until I can peacefully rest in the future?

A story

Once upon a time there was a girl named Ria. She lived each day laughing and smiling and acting the way she thought she was supposed to act. She totally "reformed" from her old ways in an attempt to "fit in" and show people that she could be like they wanted her to be. In doing so, she felt like a piece of herself was missing, but she shrugged it off and kept trying. She lived her life for someone else, doing everything she could think of to please him. Never once did she put herself in front of him, or anyone else for that matter. That was her first big mistake.
As time passed by, Ria began to feel as though she was missing something. She looked around and saw this person buying things for himself or that person going out with her friends or that other person traveling wherever he wanted. It was then that she realized that she was just putting on a front of happiness. She missed the way she used to be, the way that made her feel whole. She realized that living her life for someone (or everyone) wasn't going to make her truly happy, unless he (or they) showed her a little love back. So she waited for it, still working her butt off to make him happy and give him all she could. That was her second big mistake...Waiting.
With the passing of more time, came many more realizations. To get to these realizations, she had to make mistakes and learn from them. In making these mistakes, she learned more than she had ever thought possible, more than she had ever wanted to learn. She found out who her true friends were. She found out that the "love of her life", the one who had promised to be with her forever and promised he would never give up on her and that there was nothing they couldn't overcome, lied to her. She found out that everything she had ever done for him, or anyone else she thought loved her, didn't amount to anything when she erred i.e. when she showed that she was human.
This brings us to the present. All the tears are cried out. The pain has finally subsided. She is slowly piecing the puzzle of her life back together. Thinking back to her big mistakes, she wonders, "if I could rewind time, would I re-do it all and change so I didn't make the mistakes"? The answer is no. You cannot change who you are. Everything that a person goes through helps mold and shape them into the person they are today. Times suck and things change. It's a horrible feeling to know that you had been fooled by people who were supposedly your best friends, people who were almost like your sisters or brothers, or even worse, by a person whom you felt was your soul mate.
But everything happens for a reason. She now has a new group of friends. She isn't dependent on anyone but herself. She goes out and has a good time, and enjoys the time she spends with others. Her smile is genuine, and the sparkle in her eyes is real. Though she tries to do things to make herself happy, she still finds pleasure and contentment in doing things for others. In taking a deeper breath than before, and getting a little stronger every day, she is finally getting comfortable with life, but more importantly...with herself.