Dating = Headache

When did dating get so difficult? I mean, I don't want to sound shady when I say this, but why can't I just get back the mindset I had in my early 20s where it was all about me? Not that I didn't care who I hurt (because I totally did) but I was more willing to take chances and see if something was there or not. Now it feels like every date is one step closer to a lock down. Which (essentially) should be a good thing, but I don't know.

There's just so much swimming through my head - I can't let go of my past (moreover, I don't want to let go of my past because I love him and miss him). Guy #1 I've been friends with for years, and LOVE spending time together, but is there something there? And what if there's not and he gets hurt? Guy #2 is new to the scene, very nice, but sometimes I feel "uncomfortable" in the sense we don't know each other that well. Which can only be rectified by spending more time together. But again, don't want to lead anyone on.

The biggest factor...shouldn't I WANT to see them more? Like when I think of my ex, I'd love to see him everyday (I know, I'm such a stupid girl) but it's legit! I wouldn't mind US getting together all the time...but with the others...it's not like that.

UGGGGGGH. Such a freakin' headache!

Can't Let Go...

I can't let go. I can't do it! And I need to. The only way to move on is to let go, move on. But how do you let go of the one you love? How do you let go of that one person who makes you smile when you're down? Knows just what to say to make you laugh? When he says "I love you" you can feel it in the deepest recesses of your soul?

I don't know. Is it even possible? For happiness? For happiness sake? Can I let go and move on? Move on to someone new? Someone who could potentially love me as much, treat me as well, maybe even fill in the gaps that were agape...when all I can think about is that one person?

So confused. So lost. So uuuugggghhh. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round. It's fun until the speed picks up. Then I start getting dizzy. Confused. My mind starts to swirl and I can't think straight. And there's no one I can ask. There's no wisdom I can seek. This has got to be on me.

But what happens when "me" doesn't know what to do? When "me" says to give it more time...even though another piece says it's been too long? What happens when "me" says "follow your heart"...but you can hear its beat?

Too soon to regret?

I may or may not have done something I regret. I'm not sure. I did it for closure-sake, but then I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do at all? UGH. Now I'm tweaking out a bit. Damn dreams. Damn making me feel the need to do something drastic. But I guess it really wasn't drastic. It was something that's been on my mind for a long while. But perhaps the timing was hella off? Hmmmm.... UGH!