I saw you… In an orange grove

I don't know if you read this anymore. I don't even know if you care. But I dreamt about you the other night. We were back working at Heinen's. It was after everything that happened, and it was awkward. But then we just said hello, and everything rectified. It was like things have never changed.

I know it's stupid of me to think about the what if. What if we met again? What if we saw each other? Would it be awkward? Would it be normal? Would you hate me as much as you did before? Would I be as hurt as I was before? I feel silly and stupid for writing this. But I had to do it.

I saw you… in an Orange Grove.

Here we go again!

Well. It's been a while. Quite a while. That could be good, bad, or nondescript. I'd say all of the above.

Life, as I've said a zillllion times before, is a crazy ball of wax. Not sure what I think about it anymore.

Certain aspects are amazing. Others are most definitely to be desired of. Now the question is what to do or where to go with them. I have no clue. I mean, "they" say if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. I don't like to listen to whoever "they" are...but unfortunately, they're usually right.

Writing has always been an outlet for me. It's always been a way for me to get out my feelings and thoughts. I really think I need to get back into it. It's what could make me make sense of me.

Commence ???

Ooohhhhhhh life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Life. Always an adventure. And just when I think I know where the story is going to go, something happens and WHAM! I'm lost in a labyrinth, trying to see above the hedges to get some semblance of direction or bearings...and I have nothing. Just the thoughts on my mind, an empty flask in my hand, and the hope that happiness is just around the corner.

Quickie

So ya know...I really am starting to think the Wiccan stuff I did back in the day has a lot to do what what I'm going through these days. It sounds crazy. I get that, but legit I see NO other reason things should be the way they are. It's not a bad thing, it's just...well, interesting! I mean really interesting. Wish I knew how to control it more. Or maybe I don't. That could just be me playing with fire, ya know?

Just had to get that lil tidbit out there

Lust..It is love

Lust. Lust is the pure essence of love.
Your heart, your soul, your deepest being is just fueled by a passion for what is and what could be.
You taste the kiss upon your lips.
Feel his hands on every curve of your body.
Crave the fire that ignites with every wink, glance, touch.
Nothing can cure you of this ailment.
It resonates deep within the soul of everything that you are.
It tears at every string, heartbeat, breath, motion.
It is that which we base all feelings upon.
That which our most primal instincts are founded upon.
Lust is...that which leads to love.

Tis the season...

This time of year is definitely not the best time of a year for this girl or her love life. This year, instead of it being depression/confusion...it's straight up confusion! What man doesn't give a girl a compliment? I mean really. And while a friend rationalized it that "he holds you, he kisses you, he opens doors for you and obviously wants to be with you, why worry so much he doesn't give you compliments?" HELLO! Every girl loves compliments. And the problem is you can't ask...because once you ask, they're not sincere. And if I do bring it up (which I'm planning) I'm gonna screw myself because if he does start doing it, I'll think it's really because I called him out, not that he's doing it on his own accord. The worst part...my friends have flat out TOLD HIM compliments = good.

Another thing...he's so calm and timid. Too calm and timid? I don't know. I kinda want that crazy. I kinda want that guy who would break up a fight versus getting out of the way/turning away from it. I don't think he would. Also, would he defend me if push came to shove? I can't tell. I just can't tell.

So onto confusion point number three...why can't I just let go of the past? I mean really. I know my ex and I would never work, but why can't I focus on the bad and how much he didn't change or try to change for me? I just feel so much for him still - and it breaks my heart!

Then of course there are random outside influences who are ever in my life and just make me scratch my head. Tis the season for confusion!

So this is...

So this is...love? Life? Pursuit of happiness? I'm so confused. Well, not confused. Just kinda feeling flustered.

I saw an ex this weekend...haven't seem him in a couple years. And that rush of emotion came back. That feeling of heat rushed through my body. But we're done. I'm in the early stages of a relationship. And I do have that feeling with my new beau. But is it ok to still feel it for an ex? Is there a right or wrong answer to that?

I guess it comes down to where I don't think I should have "feelings" (not sure what else to call them) for someone else? Or wonder about them?

Maybe it's the fact that (as in typical me fashion) this is a total whirlwind. Love life goes from 0-60 in 2.3 seconds. It's insanity! In a good way...but insanity nonetheless. So this is...?